Havana syndrome, the weird malaise that has impacted over a thousand U.S. international service members all around the world, is nonetheless a complete thriller. Certainly, whilst the federal government has tried to elucidate away among the weirdness, it’s fairly apparent we nonetheless haven’t any fucking thought what this factor is.

On Wednesday, the intelligence neighborhood apparently concluded that, no, Havana syndrome is not the results of some kind of sonic weapon wielded by a international energy. Effectively, sorta. A preferred and ongoing idea that sought to elucidate why diplomats and CIA officers all around the world have been troubled with the neurological problems indicative of the syndrome, the “sonic weapon” idea posited that somebody—doubtlessly a geopolitical enemy—was utilizing a mysterious, never-before-seen weapon to mentally injure U.S. officers. Some proponents of this idea blamed Russia as a possible offender.

Nonetheless, the most recent “Intelligence Group Evaluation” from the Workplace of the Director of Nationwide Intelligence (ODNI), which was compiled after years of investigation, concludes that it’s “extremely unlikely” that—for almost all of the instances—the neurological accidents are the results of sonic weaponry or {that a} international energy was concerned. As an alternative, the federal government has attributed what it’s now calling the “Anomalous Well being Incidents,” or AHIs, to “preexisting circumstances, standard sicknesses, and environmental elements.”

Surprisingly, these findings appear to fly within the face of what quite a few intelligence officers have beforehand stated on the matter. In February 2022, a panel of scientific consultants working for the intelligence companies concluded that Havana Syndrome was most definitely attributable to “pulsed electromagnetic power delivered by an exterior system”—a declare that had additionally been circulated by quite a few authorities officers for the reason that incidents first began cropping up years in the past.

To make issues extra complicated, the federal government additionally stated Wednesday that for a small group of instances—roughly two dozen—they may not rule out “international involvement.” With that considerably inscrutable info in thoughts, additionally think about that this complete state of affairs is additional sophisticated by the truth that it’s being reported second hand. The report, which has not been publicly launched, is being fed to journalists by authorities insiders with data of what has been stated, though the precise wording the federal government seems to have used is considerably obscure and never altogether clear.

For apparent causes, the sonic weapon rationalization has all the time been deeply controversial. Except for conjuring scoff-inducing rhetoric about “rayguns” and shadowy plots, the science behind this kind of hypothetical weapon has been hotly debated. Skepticism on this entrance has even led some critics to accuse the federal government of conducting some kind of psychological operation to border our geopolitical foes for the sicknesses. But skeptics by no means did a very good job of accounting for what had truly occurred to the victims. If there have been no rayguns, what the heck occurred to those individuals’s brains?

Effectively, based on the intelligence neighborhood’s newest launch, the reply to that query is two-fold. For a majority of the instances, the reply is: not a lot! But in addition: for a couple of people…perhaps a raygun?

In the identical assertion by which she attributed the weird episodes to “environmental elements” and “standard sicknesses,” Avril Haines, the director of nationwide intelligence and head of ODNI, additionally oddly said that “these findings don’t name into query the very actual experiences and signs that our colleagues and their members of the family have reported.”

…Besides, they sorta do, proper? I imply, until I’m lacking one thing right here, the federal government has completely failed to elucidate what occurred to those individuals. What “standard sicknesses” would have precipitated these signs? Had been the signs, as they had been described, actual? And what “environmental elements” might have precipitated this to occur? I imply, researchers on the College of Pennsylvania medical faculty discovered indicators of precise mind harm in 40 of the alleged State Division victims. Was that attributable to stated elements and sicknesses?

At this level, the overall lack of solutions is par for the course. Certainly, the sonic weapon idea is only one of a seemingly infinite stream of espoused explanations which have been put ahead to elucidate the unusual sicknesses. To overview, along with a secret international raygun conspiracy, Havana syndrome has additionally been blamed on crickets, pesticides, “stress or emotional pressure,” mass hysteria, obscure “environmental and medical elements” and one thing referred to as “ultrasounds.” Now, per the just lately shared report, the federal government can also be apparently blaming different benign-sounding culprits, together with beforehand identified sicknesses, “malfunctioning air con and air flow techniques,” and “electromagnetic waves coming from benign gadgets like a pc mouse.” As none of these items have a lot to do with each other, it simply sorta appears like people are throwing crap on the wall to see what sticks.

I imply, severely, what is this factor? Is it a traumatic, never-before-seen sickness that’s now weirdly being attributed to moderately mundane causes? Is it a trumped up effort responsible Russia and China for fictitious (however weirdly unbelievable) dastardly deeds? A case of “mass hysteria” concurrently hitting State Division officers all around the globe—individuals who, usually, aren’t notably susceptible to hysteria? Or is it a case of droves of CIA brokers reallllly needing a trip (it’s been blamed on stress, bear in mind)…after which occurring “60 Minutes” to earnestly clarify actually weird signs that don’t have anything to do with needing a trip? Or is it that all of them received shot with a raygun and that rayguns exist and that someone is on the market firing them off with wild abandon?

No matter the actual reply is, it sorta beg the query: what’s going to the federal government blame Havana Syndrome on subsequent? I humbly submit the next potentialities for consideration:

• Letting an excessive amount of lint accumulate in your dryer vent
• Consuming whereas laying down
• Fidel Castro’s ghost
• That factor the place your pc overheats and begins whirring actually loudly
• Tiktok
• Beer earlier than liquor
• Cultural Marxism
• Tiktok
• Inflation

My guess might be Tiktok or inflation, however be at liberty to pontificate within the remark part in case you have any stable concepts.