I want this have been what it reads like: the lengthy torturous setup for a blow-up doll joke. Alas, it’s simply one other boy-meets-balloons love story.

The New York Put up, by way of Jam Press, brings us the touching story of Aakash Majumdar, a 28-year outdated resident of Mumbai, India. Aakash is “objectum sexual,” that means he’s sexually drawn to inanimate objects. It could possibly be a toaster, a mailbox or a pneumatic influence wrench. (A lady famously married the Eiffel Tower. Earlier than she grew to become Mrs. Eiffel, she dated a fighter jet and had a passionate fling with a compound bow – Cupid has a mischievous humorousness.) 

Aakash’s present squeeze is a colourful group of balloons. Simply, ya know, social gathering balloons. And issues are fairly critical: 

”I like their presence and heat, and share intimate emotions with my balloons and vice versa,” Majumdar instructed NeedToKnow.On-line. “While you’re in love, you spend a whole lot of time collectively and settle for all types of flaws.”

Certainly, you most likely discover it exhausting to say good night time:

Majumdar additionally revealed that his balloons share his mattress and that they’ve a bodily relationship, in accordance with Jam Press.

“Each morning, I get up by saying ‘good morning’ and giving a kiss to my balloons that sleep beside me, and vice versa,” he stated. “I make out with my balloons.”

Sounds (static) electrical.

Aakash doesn’t go anyplace with out them. “I can discuss to them, take them procuring and for a stroll within the backyard,” he instructed NeedToKnow.On-line. “[The balloons] ought to have the liberty and the possibility to see the world, and that’s why I stroll with them all over the place.”

Aye, however there’s the rub. “[The balloons] are simply as fragile as a human child,” he stated. “I want to guard him from all hazard … From sharp objects, modifications in temperature to suffocation.”

And a phrase to the smart, Aakash: preserve them out of U.S. airspace. Joe Biden’s overcompensating for a nationwide safety embarrassment, and he’s liable to scramble the F22s in your darlings.