Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports activities Nihilist, the place all is for naught and we’re however unintentional jolts of electrified meat caught to the floor of a rock in an detached universe. Fuck you.

Jalen Rose famously says you bought to provide the individuals what they need, and the web needs venom. It’s sustained on negativity. Your goddamn negativity. There’s a Power-Darkside analogy in right here someplace, however I’m unsure the place the insult is, so let’s skip it.

You realize what sort of slideshow does numbers that make digital media corporations salivate like ravenous canine? Unbearable fanbases. You realize what sort of late-afternoon throwaway put up with offhand jokes will get Twitter riled up? A damaging one. How a couple of headline predicting an early finish to a proficient participant’s profession? Hell fucking yeah. By no means thoughts that he may very well be good for the sport and presumably your crew, bury this clown alive.

You see, the factor about going surfing and saying some shit is I get a paycheck to justify it. I’m only a skilled doing a job; it’s nothing private. I do know that’s what the dangerous man says to the great man proper earlier than getting his head blown off for committing a private and really heinous crime. And I’m cool with being the villain.

When nothing issues, the one factor that issues is how you are feeling, and I’ve to say, I really feel sufficient to rise up each day and hold going. I’m doing fairly properly at my job. My columns get clicks, my output is close to the highest of Deadspin, and I sleep nice at evening.

A logical one that cares about empathy and journalistic integrity is likely to be appalled to listen to me say that, however I’m high quality being that man — taking on the web, calling out others as a result of I refuse to look inward, rapidly aggregating semi-viral moments for a couple of straightforward web page views, and ingesting myself to sleep at evening.

What’s spiraling debt if cash is merely a figment of capitalism? I’ll be at peace when the world ends not with a bang however with the gradual erosion of our ecosystem because the legal guidelines of nature strangle out life from this planet, turning us right into a science challenge for a wiser extra clever species to find and examine.

In case you’re (nonetheless studying and) saying to your self, “I assumed this man was alleged to be making enjoyable of the Candy 16?” It’s coming. Take it straightforward you fucking hyena. You possibly can click on “Subsequent slide” at any level. I’ve a couple of extra insults to hurl at individuals who spend their day inhaling hate.

Nicely, truly, that about sums it up, so now for the half that you simply’ve all been ready for: The negativity. My apologies if the next jokes are actually dangerous. I’m actually cranking them out as quick as I can.