Chelsea Handler’s try to win battle to be the complete time host of Comedy Central’s The Each day Present goes about in addition to anybody might count on. On Wednesday’s episode, she confused shock worth for comedy as she mused concerning the Pope’s intercourse life, labeled Fox Information’s Tucker Carlson and Sen. J.D. Vance “boner killers,” and cited carbon footprints to defend her resolution to not have youngsters.

Talking of youngsters, Handler dismissed them as mere strangers to their dad and mom, “In America — and truthfully, in every single place — motherhood is handled as a girl’s central function in life. As if our future is to let a tiny stranger rip a gap by our Pikachu from the within out.”

After occurring concerning the difficulties of motherhood, Handler moved on to the Pope, “So it actually should not be shocking that some ladies are not signing up. However many individuals aren’t simply stunned, they’re horrified. Childless ladies are seen as unfulfilled, sad. Even the Pope has slammed us, saying that not having youngsters is ‘egocentric. To begin with, I’m not going to take procreation recommendation from a man who’s by no means even penetrated anybody. Nicely, not that we all know of anyway.”

Later in her diatribe, Handler took intention at Vance, who advised Carlson that childless moms are “a bunch of childless cat women who’re depressing at their very own lives.” Handler then sought to show the tables on the duo, “Possibly when you two weren’t such boners killers, ladies would wish to have extra youngsters. I do not wish to make the nation depressing. I really like this nation. It is the place all of my issues are. And I’ve obtained information for everybody. As a substitute of shaming childless ladies for what we’re doing to the nation, try to be thanking us. We’re saving society.”

To defend herself and others like her, Handler declared, “We usually tend to give our cash to charity. We’ve got a decrease carbon footprint. We are the motive there are fewer screaming youngsters on airplanes, in film theaters, and eating places. And each child we do not give delivery to is one much less child that might develop as much as be the subsequent Elon Musk. And guess what number of youngsters he has? 9! You higher deliver all of them to Mars with you, buddy, okay?”

All through the phase, Handler would painting her resolution as a private one and it’s none of anyone’s enterprise what she decides, however citing carbon footprints and the concern of one other Musk is profoundly anti-human.

When making an attempt to rebut expenses of selfishness, it’s unwise to easily speak about your self, however that’s precisely what Handler did subsequent, “However these Fox Information trolls are proper about one factor: I’m depressing. The truth is, I used to be simply scrolling by my Instagram feed the different day realizing how depressing I’m. I am depressing on the seaside after which right here I’m, depressing on a high of a mountain, after which right here I’m, depressing scuba diving, then I am depressing once more smoking a joint in a scorching tub.”

For somebody who claims to not care about what others consider her life selections, Handler spends an uncommon period of time justifying her life selections on varied late night time reveals.

This phase was sponsored by Audi.

Here’s a transcript for the February 8 present:

Comedy Central The Each day Present

2/8/2023

11:13 PM ET

CHELSEA HANDLER: One factor that I’ve made abundantly clear is that I don’t want youngsters. I say it on stage, I say it in interviews, it is the very first thing I say to myself within the mirror once I get up every morning. Proper earlier than I inform myself, “god, you are a dynamic girl.” 

Children do not respect me and fairly frankly, the sensation is mutual. And the very fact is, there are hundreds of thousands of ladies similar to me. However for some motive, each single considered one of us, sooner or later in our lives, is shamed by society for not wanting a child. And that is what I wish to discuss about in tonight’s installment of “Lengthy Story Brief.” 

In America — and truthfully, in every single place — motherhood is handled as a girl’s central function in life. As if our future is to let a tiny stranger rip a gap by our Pikachu from the within out. After which as quickly as we flip 18, we’re supposed to only sit again and look forward to Nick Cannon to impregnate us. 

And look, I’ve infinite respect for mothers however motherhood is difficult. It’s so exhausting, it even broke Marie Kondo. Tidying up was her life’s work. Then she has youngsters and was like, [bleep] It, dwelling in squalor is high quality. 

So it actually should not be shocking that some ladies are not signing up. However many individuals aren’t simply stunned, they’re horrified. Childless ladies are seen as unfulfilled, sad. Even the Pope has slammed us, saying that not having youngsters is “Egocentric.” To begin with, I’m not going to take procreation recommendation from a man who’s by no means even penetrated anybody. 

Nicely, not that we all know of anyway. And what’s loopy is that for some motive, folks really feel entitled to let you know what a horrible particular person you might be proper to your face. 

…

Possibly when you two weren’t such boners killers, ladies would wish to have extra youngsters. I do not wish to make the nation depressing. I really like this nation. It is the place all of my issues are. And I’ve obtained information for everybody. As a substitute of shaming childless ladies for what we’re doing to the nation, try to be thanking us. We’re saving society. 

We usually tend to give our cash to charity. We’ve got a decrease carbon footprint. We are the motive there are fewer screaming youngsters on airplanes, in film theaters, and eating places. And each child we do not give delivery to is one much less child that might develop as much as be the subsequent Elon Musk. And guess what number of youngsters he has? 9! You higher deliver all of them to Mars with you, buddy, okay? 

And when are you going to Mars? Go, already! However these Fox Information trolls are proper about one factor: I’m depressing. The truth is, I used to be simply scrolling by my Instagram feed the different day realizing how depressing I’m. I am depressing on the seaside after which right here I’m, depressing on a high of a mountain, after which right here I’m, depressing scuba diving, then I am depressing once more smoking a joint in a scorching tub.