This morning I used to be assigned to guage the Aaron Rodgers-Aubrey Marcus podcast in regards to the quarterback, excuse me, individual’s self-reflection after the darkness. Over what was a sprawling dialog that wasn’t as attention-grabbing as the 2 thought it was, I’m now dumber for having listened to it. Oh, and by the way in which, there’s nonetheless no soccer resolution, however Rodgers admitted it’s greatest if it’s made sooner quite than later.

I’m unsure the way to really feel about that as a result of he’s at present his personal content material manufacturing facility, one by which I’ve been laboring away, inhaling fumes that can inevitably give me most cancers.

Talking of scorching air, there was a large quantity spilled in that hour and a half, so let’s take a look at among the highlights earlier than my mind leaks out of my ears.

The ins and outs of the retreat

The dialog opened with the simply aggregatable stuff — how did you get round at midnight, how did you set toothpaste in your toothbrush, how did you wipe your ass. The solutions, and I’m paraphrasing, have been “Not very nicely,” “I squirted the toothpaste in my mouth,” and “The eating regimen I used to be on lent itself to quite a lot of clean No. 2s.”

G/O Media could get a fee

47% Off

Barwing Stationary Exercise Bike

Work it
This exercise bike can be folded away when not in use, has 16 different levels of resistance, has a backrest, and also has arm and leg resistance bands too.

It’s a darkness retreat; I assume the only sustenance is berries and milk from various nuts. Rodgers said it was a lot of two-wipers and occasionally he felt like he didn’t even need to wipe at all. Aubrey countered with an anecdote from his own retreat where he ingested so much coconut oil he had violent diarrhea. And then the two of them talked about “Ghost shits,” which I assume is whenever you suppose you shit however didn’t. I’m unsure, and I’m not going to Google it.

Not allowed to make enjoyable of the retreat as a result of it was for psychological well being

The hell I’m not. There’s nothing improper with prioritizing your mind. Remedy is useful, however I’ll equate it to this: Should you noticed somebody engaged on their bodily well being through the use of a Mueller Train Belt — the machine that simply jiggles you when you stand there — you’d most likely chuckle.

You’d chuckle as a result of it seems ridiculous, and there are different, extra confirmed types of addressing your psychological well being than one thing silly like locking your self in a windowless lodge room for 4 days. I’m not faulting Rodgers for engaged on his psychological well being. I’m giving him shit as a result of he and Marcus had a dialog about the way it’s not solitary confinement as a result of there’s a bit window within the jail cell, they usually had no gentle in any respect.

The duo chatted barefoot in designer sweatpants at a mountain retreat, and you understand there was a crystal assortment not far off-camera.

Then Rodgers revealed that he responded to a darkness detractor on Twitter with the Ted Lasso quote (that’s a Walt Whitman quote): “Be curious, not judgemental.” And I gotta say I’ve by no means been much less excited for the return of a present that I genuinely beloved, and that’s together with the post-Michael Scott seasons of The Workplace.

Aubrey Marcus is to Aaron Rodgers what Alex Guerrero is to Tom Brady

The one factor I discovered attention-grabbing in regards to the podcast was Rodgers budding broship with Marcus. The podcast host of a “motivational vacation spot for conversations” was at a few highway video games, and a bunch of dwelling video games, and for no matter motive — medicine, adulation, shamanism — it seems like Marcus has a big affect on the QB.

I had no thought this Aubrey Marcus character existed earlier than this morning. He made 9 figures off his complement enterprise that was bolstered by sidling as much as Joe Rogan. (I’ll wait when you make your InfoWars jokes.) The quantity of self-indulgent nonsense spewed between the 2 was sufficient to get me to weigh the feasibility of ripping off the leg of my desk and impaling myself, and this was on the 45-minute mark of the present.

Aubrey discovered correlations to Rodgers’ soccer profession along with his personal pickup basketball league, was a phrase or two away from quoting the “Present them who you’re” line from Black Panther, wept over his personal Lord of the Rings analogy, and rattled off one-liners like this “issues to the forging of the blade of who I’m.”

What “this” was I don’t know, similar to I don’t know how I’m imagined to take pleasure in a world the place Aubrey fucking Marcus made a whole bunch of thousands and thousands of {dollars} off of dietary supplements.

Rodgers needs you to know that he’s tremendous good

These have been precise sentences uttered by Rodgers:

“I’m athletic but additionally tremendous good.”

“I by no means needed to be only a soccer participant. Cuz I’m a sensible man who went on Jeopardy and gained.”

It was Celeb Jeopardy to start with, and Rodgers isn’t the primary individual to be (allegedly) good and play soccer. Former NFL security Myron Rolle, who truly is sensible, was a fucking Rhodes Scholar and is at present a neurosurgeon. Rodgers stated, with 100% seriousness, “I’ve three god sons now” as if he’s Carl Winslow. OK, however that doesn’t make you a father, similar to auditioning to host Jeopardy doesn’t make you Alex Trebek.

Rodgers soccer future

The vast majority of the dialog centered round Rodgers’ coming to phrases with what life can be like if he retired and what life can be like if he saved enjoying. His come to Jesus second occurred when he realized: “What if I simply embraced I’m a soccer participant?”

Marcus then reassured Rodgers that he nonetheless has it just like the fanboy that this podcast proved him to be. The quarterback finally reached the conclusion that “Each choices really feel nourishing and particular.” Wait, so, when confronted with the choices to retire a multimillionaire earlier than 40, or play one other season of the game that made you a multimillionaire, Rodgers feels comfy both means? Good god, I don’t want a metric ton of dietary supplements and an prolonged nap to determine that out.

The soccer a part of the dialogue devolved into the identical drained cliches that sports activities podcasts at all times do — it’s about accountability and the staff — and never a phrase was stated about whether or not Rodgers feels that means about subsequent yr’s Packers, or one other NFL franchise.

He’s in a “post-tragic state of consciousness” (Marcus’ phrases, not mine), and shall be pleased with no matter resolution he makes. I’m simply pleased it’s nearly over.